Anxiety - A Lack of Reality

Brent started to work with me after his wife, Carla, suddenly decided to leave the marriage. They had been married five years and Brent thought everything was fine. Then Brent became ill and Carla withdrew. And then she was gone.

Brent was devastated. He loved Carla and wanted her back. However, he soon learned that she had not been honest with him, even from the beginning of their relationship. He learned that she had been more interested in his money than in him. She was ruthlessly going after his money.

After a couple of months, Brent was doing better. He had let go of Carla and had started to date. Then Carla sent him an email where her tone was softer then it had been, and this sent Brent back into anxiety.

"I have been waking up anxious every morning," Brent told me in one of our phone sessions. "And feeling anxiety a lot during the day."

"Brent, what are you telling yourself about Carla?"

"I keep wishing that things were back the way they were. I love her and I want her back. Her email made me think that things could be back the way they were."

"Brent, Carla left you when you were really sick. She lacked any compassion for you. You told me that you had noticed her lack of compassion toward other people as well. Then she told you that she never loved you. Now she is going after your money, even though she earns her own. You are not in reality about who Carla is. You are making her up, and this is what is causing your anxiety. Your inner child - your feeling self - is letting you know with this anxiety that you are off track in your thinking, that your thinking is not based in reality. And your inner child is anxious that you are going to abandon him by going after someone who is not a loving person, while pretending that she is."

"But I thought she was a loving person. She is a loving person deep down. If she went into counseling with me, we could work this out."

"Perhaps, but this is not who she is choosing to be. You are not accepting the reality of who she is choosing to be. You will always feel anxious when you do not accept the reality of things. You keep thinking that if you say the right thing or do the right things, not only will she come back, but she will be willing to deal with herself and be who you want her to be. None of this is reality. She has given you no indication that she is willing to go into counseling with you, no indication that she is interested in changing. You are making all of this up, and this is causing your anxiety."

"I know that you are right, but this is so hard. It is so hard to let go."

"Yes, your wounded ego self wants to believe that you have control over something that you have no control over. You are having a hard time letting go of control. But trying to control something over which you have no control will always create anxiety. You are not being in reality about what you have control over and what you don’t have control over."

"Yes, I see that. I want control over getting Carla to be the way I thought she was. I don't even like who she is right now, but I don’t want to accept that this is who she is choosing to be. I can see that I need to accept this reality and not keep thinking that I can get her to come back and to be the way I thought she was. Ah, I am starting to feel better! The anxiety is going away."

Anxiety results from not accepting how things are and of trying to control things that you cannot control.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Looking For Help With Anxiety?

Anxiety is often described as having cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components (Seligman, Walker & Rosenhan, 2001). Anxiety is an unpleasant state that involves a complex combination of emotions that include fear, apprehension, and worry. Anxiety disorders are debilitating and sometimes frightening conditions which cause sufferersto physically and emotionally withdraw for self preservation. Anxiety and worry can appear at any time; day or night.

Panic

Panic disorder can be diagnosed when several apparently spontaneous attacks lead to a persistent concern about future attacks. Panic attacks can be both bewildering and terrifying, but they're not unusual. Panic attacks can come on suddenly and cause alarming physical symptoms that usually don't posea serious threat. Panic attacks can lead to phobias if they aren't treated.

Treatment

Treatment can involve medicines, therapy or both. Treatment may begin by addressing "readiness" issues or "treatment interfering behaviors". Effective treatments for anxiety disorders are available, and research is yielding new, improved therapies that can help most people with anxiety disorders lead productive, fulfilling lives. People who have full-blown, repeated panic attacks can become very disabled by their condition and should seek treatment before they start to avoid places or situations where panic attacks have occurred. With proper treatment, many people with anxiety disorders can lead normal, fulfilling lives. People with anxiety disorders who have already received treatment should tell their current doctor about that treatment in detail.

Anxiety disorders are often debilitating chronic conditions, which can be present from an early age or begin suddenly after a triggering event. Anxiety experienced when there is no threat or danger present is called inappropriate anxiety. Anxiety is a normal response to danger. Anxiety is appropriate when and if there is something present to fear.

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